How much do I have to endure,

Before I can end this torture?

How long have I tugged at my own leash,

And strangled my own neck?

How long will I have to wait,

Before the stop making me feel worse with bait?

Is there any hope at all?

Not a speck.

I’ll force my wait out,

But I’ll fail.

I’ll just sit in my cage and cry and wail.

They feed me with ‘what’s good’ and tell me, “it’s good for you, it’s good for you’

They tell me, “It’s true,” it’s true.

They give me my share,

But I don’t even care,

I don’t give a damn; it’s just not worth it,

And that’s just it.

I need to get out of here,

But the end isn’t even near.

All the things I hold dear,

I can’t even see them when they’re this near.

They’re waiting for me to break free.

And even though,

I try with all my might,

Their grip is just too tight.

Every step I take,

Every move I make,

It’s as thought the world spins backward,

Moving me back.

I’ll do all this, just for her sake.

It seems, time, I’ll just have to make,

But wouldn’t that make me wait?

What can I do?

What can I say?

Is there even a way?

It’s too contradicting,

It’s too confusing,

I can’t be who I am, I have to lead,

I have to do my deeds.

I’m like a fire without a flame,

But who do I have to blame?

I used to always be smiling,

But now I’m just crying.

I’ll cry, I’ll cry, I’ll cry till I die.

For an eternity,

Till I get out of here,

Dead as the sea,

My soul will be.

Now what’s left of me,

Is all I pretend to be.

As my heart is eaten by depression,

My soul consumed by fear,

And my mind devoured by desire,

I’ll try, try, and try again.

Because every time I imagine getting out of here,

An on to another side, my heart, soul and mind is revived.

So I’ll take a chance, take a dive.

It won’t matter if I die,

Since no one would bother even saying bye.

I’m lost in my own world,

I’m so unsure.

When I look around,

Everything’s, just a blur.

Every single day,

I put on an act,

I put people at bay,

Making them think my heart is intact.

Everywhere I go, no one knows, how much pain I feel.

They’ve never went through this ordeal.

Every single night,

I’m telling myself to give it all my might.

I don’t know what’s wrong or right,

But I know what’s worth a fight.

Everything I do is wrong,

Every road is just too long.

Why can’t find the bridge,

That will take me across this ridge,

Without going around.

Every road seems deathward bound,

With the demon’s firsts to pound me down.

I don’t have a say in it,

I can’t do anything about it.

It’s about me,

Why have I no power over this?

I can’t go on much longer,

Too much stuff is going down under.

No one knows about it,

No one can help it anyway.

When there’s a will there’s a way,

They always say.

I have the will,

But where’s the way?

What’s the use?

What’s the point?

It’s just not fair,

It’s just not just.

I look at the mirror and stare in disgust, “Who’s this freak I see?

I question it,

Only to realize,

Every bit,

Was formed by me.

All the stress is crushing my brain,

All my efforts are going down the drain.

I’m so sick of me,

I can’t even see,

Who I used to be.

Every step I take is another mistake,

So fuck the rules,

I’ll screw this school,

A risk I’ll take,

‘Cause another second I waste,

Is more than I can take.

I’m trying to keep it together,

But I’m falling apart.

What’s wrong with my heart?

Sometimes I don’t know whether,

I should keep holding on,

Or just let go.

There’s no way I’ll really know,

But I’ll hold on first.

For the water of life,

I thirst,

For I am dying.

How am I to keep holding,

If I’m no where near the living?

What good am I doing,

If I’m not even surviving?

Nothing.

Am I really just nothing?

Or maybe I am something.

I’m so unstable,

I’m so unable,

To do what I want,

To take what I need.

I’m gonna’ go insane,

But I’ve only got myself to blame.

Now, there aren’t even lanes. I’ve got no where to run.

All I’d ever want now,

Is a gun,

Then I’d shoot myself,

And I’d be done.

I’ll say what I want,

I’ll do what I say.

You can’t tell me what to do,

So what do you expect me to say to you?

Since I’m always wrong and you’re always right,

Why don’t I just fuck off,

Since I’ve no insight?

Since this is so fun and joyful,

Why don’t you take over this fool?

I can go,

Much faster than I know,

But there’s something holding me down,

Without a sound.

Without a clue,

Without anything new,

I’ve figured out what I’ve missed.

“Try harder, try harder”

They say, they say.

I’m trying hard, not to excel,

But to be expelled.

“What do you want, what do you need?

We’ll give it to you, just say.”

What I want, dare I say?

What I say, is it what I want?

All you want for me is to be happy,

But is that truly the truth?

How far will you go?

To give me the happiness I yearn for?

Have I not made it clear?

What I want is not to have more,

But what I want is to have less?

What’s with all this shit?

There’s no logic in it.

I’m holding back my tears,

I’m already in fifth gear.

What more can I give,

What’s there for me to love?

I’ve fallen again and again,

I’ve risen again and again.

With every fall, for every rise,

I will always come with a price.

Even though I

Rise higher with each fall,

I’m all wrong,

For my base isn’t strong.

So then I’d topple down.

This place I fell down,

Is where I’ve always wound.

How am I to live,

When I’ve got nothing to give?

Must I take it in my stride,

When I know I can get it out,

And still survive?

Now that it’s all over,

What am I to do?

I’ve got nobody’s support,

I’m all on my own.

From where may strength be imported?

So many questions,

So few answers.

Going the wrong way,

Everyday, I hide in fear,

From this pain so shear.

Every twitch,

Every inch,

I’m caught in some stitch.

I’m stuck in some ditch.

Why the hell did I even come here?

Were sports so dear?

Look at me now,

I’ve got nothing left,

But when people hear where I am,

They go wow.

Does being in a prestigious place,

Make me glam?

I think it makes me a disgrace.

All I’m really wishing for,

Is to be no more.

Wait.

I already am.

O hell’s gates,

Open up for me.

A loser is all you see,

So please take me in.

I’ve committed a million sins.

Take me in,

And you’re sure to win.

Swears like a knife,

Trying to end this life.

Seeing myself dying,

But it’s just not happening.

Committing sins,

Every since.

The world’s gone mad,

Everyone’s sad,

Or is it just me,

Whose mind is weak?

The aroma of death,

I reak.

The smell of life,

I seek.

The scent of success,

I can’t reach.

Practice what you preach,

Then what you've always wanted,

You're sure to reach.

I'm interested,

But my strength is being leeched.

By what? I do not know.

But I've known anything to stoop so low.

Everything thrown out the window,

In my heart a patch of hate and grudge is sewn.

My pride I will not swallow.

A gift of pain and suffering,

To all I shall bestow.

In a pool of life is where we're all swimming.

In the shallow end is where I'm lingering.

--Hey yoz ppl. I wrote this. Copyrighted-jonathan ng

Jonathan Ng
Hwa Chong Instituition :((
Just call me Jon

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